Close Call
by Tauna Petit-Strawn
Summary: A short piece written for a good laugh. Hope you will laugh as hard as my sister and I did!


**COMEDY: **

**Author's Note: My sister and I were laughing and talking on the phone...mostly about the fact that Ben, his sons and even Candy are being given wives right and left. The number of children they each have also has go up and down. As we talked this idea came to me; I couldn't help but bust up laughing. I hope you get as big of a kick out of it as I do.**

**Close Call**

Ben, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe were enjoying their leisurely ride towards town. They'd been working hard and decided they needed to take a break and visit the good people of Virginia City. Ben was surprised when a stranger rode up beside them. Where had he come from? There was nothing but flat land in the area they were traveling in and there wasn't a side road for miles. The most puzzling part was that the stranger seemed as surprised as the rest of them; in fact he looked as if someone had just pulled a rug out from under him.

"Who are you folks? Where did you come from?" The man looked at Ben.

"My name is Ben Cartwright," Ben pointed to his sons and introduced them, "We live on our ranch, The Ponderosa. Who are you and where did you come from?" he once again looked around to see if-somehow- he'd missed seeing a new road.

"Name's Candy Canaday. I was looking for work in California but," his face held a puzzled looked, "Somehow I wound up here instead." He wasn't about to say 'I just left a saloon in San Francisco; they would think he had more than three beers...maybe he had. After all; this looked like Nevada to him!

"Well, Mister Canaday, we were just going into town. Why not join us? There might be work in town for you-or on one of the ranches." Ben figured as lost as the man seemed to be he might as well invite him along.

"Why not." Candy didn't want to admit he had to go along; it felt like someone else had control of his horse! No siree, they'd lock him up for sure!

As they rode into town Roy came running towards them; a look of sheer fright in his eyes. Ben quickly dismounted his horse; as did the others. "What..." he didn't have a chance to finish as the lawman took him by the arm and hollered, "Quick! Get inside my office! You, your sons and your visitor!"

Confused and bewildered by the man's actions they did as they were told. "Hide their horses!" Roy shouted to a couple of men standing nearby.

Once inside Ben was shocked to see Roy lock the door and cover the windows.

"Roy! What is goin' on!" Ben raised his voice. Was he and his sons (maybe even their guest) supposed to have done something?

"Ben, there's a whole load of women on the other side of town. Plum loco if you ask me. They are makin' quite the fuss and fightin' with each other. Want to know what they are a fightin' 'bout?" Roy sat down at his desk.

Ben wasn't sure he wanted to know but if his friend was going to lock his door and keep them inside he guessed he'd best answer in the affirmative. "All right, Roy. WHAT are they fighting 'bout?"

"Who really gets to marry you, your sons and some guy named Candy Canaday!"

"I just got here!" Candy protested, "How can they be fightin' 'bout me!" Boy, what had that bartender put in his beer!

"Yer Mr. Canaday?" Roy was shocked but relieved, "Boy, you are lucky. If you were out there they would prob'bly have their hands all over you-when they are not fightin' each other!"

Ben shook his head, "The boys and I are not courtin' anyone you know that, Roy."

Roy threw his hands up, "I know that, Ben! I have no clue to as where all those women came from! One moment the town is nice and quiet...the next thing I know I am getting complaints about these women. I tried to get them to quiet down and explain things but they ain't listenin'."

"If you are the law around here why did you run away from them?" Candy was curious about that little fact.

"Because they are all lunatics. Want to know what I heard one woman say to another woman?"

"Do I dare ask?" Ben sat down on the chair next to the lawman's desk.

"You know, Sheriff Coffee may be getting up in his years but maybe I will have a talk with my writer and see if she minds gettin' the two of us together!"

Ben felt shock waves go through him; as did his sons and Candy.

"Her writer?" Hoss spoke up, "What is she talkin' 'bout?"

"I do not know nor did I care to stick around and find out!" Roy did his best not to yell, "Hoss those women arguin' over all of you; well that or trying to set each other straight! There were a good dozen women each claimin' 'their writer' had given them to your Pa or to Adam. One claimed she'd been married to your pa for fifteen years and had born him twins and another one claimed she and Adam had been married twelve years and she'd just given birth to his eighth child!"

Adam's face went pale as he grabbed onto the nearby wall.

"Adam, you best sit down!" Ben shot up out of his chair and helped Adam over to another chair; then had to sit down himself.

"What were they saying 'bout me?" Little Joe asked nervously.

"Heck, half of them say they are your wife and the other half say they are your widow!"

Little Joe felt sick to his stomach, he ran into the back to find a wash basin.

"Have anythin' to eat around here?" Hoss looked around.

Ben stared at his son, "There are a bunch of crazy women out there and all you can think about is your stomach?"

"Well, I am nervous; it is eat or go out there," Hoss nodded towards the door, "From what Roy says it is plumb dangerous out there right now!"

"Dangerous is puttin' it mildy," Roy leaned back, "I would rather face a dozen armed men than those women! I tell you; we have to get all of you out of here without them knowin' you were here!"

"If they are that crazy," Ben was worried now, "What good would it do us to leave town? From the sounds of it we are in danger of the Ponderosa bein' run over by a band of crazy women!"

"That will not happen," Roy shook his head, "I heard them sayin' how they had to get a hold of you while you were in town; that their 'current writer' would not let them leave town to go after you. That they would have to convince you, your boys and this Canaday fellow of anything they wanted you convinced of WHILE YOU WERE IN TOWN! Now do you see why I am such a nervous wreck!"

"Pa, we gotta get outta here!" Adam found his voice, "If that woman with eight children finds me I will be the one in a hospital!"

As they were talking they heard the voices of what sounded like a band of women getting closer. All the men froze as pure fear ran through them.

"I am too young to die, pa." Little Joe was looking more and more like a scared jackrabbit looking for a hole to disappear into.

"You are not dyin'!" His sons' fear caused Ben to lose his temper and he, after unlocking the door, stormed out into the middle of the street. Sure enough there was what seemed to be a hundred or more women moving towards him.

"STOP! STOP RIGHT THERE!" Ben's voice was loud enough to wake the dead. The women stopped in their tracks. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS INSANE WAY YOU ARE ACTING! WHY ARE YOU DISTURBING THE PEACE OF VIRGINIA CITY!"

"We are tired of having to take turns with you! With Adam and the others!" One of the women shouted back, "Our writers keep coming up with different story lines! We want you to talk to them and straigten them out!"

Boy, was Roy ever right. These women had gone plumb loco! As he thought on it he quickly came up with an idea, "Look, go back to the other side of town! I will talk to your writers and see what we can come up with!" 'Heaven forgive me for that untruth' he thought as he spoke the words but he had to look out for his sons...and the innocent stranger among them.

At first no one moved then one wearing men's clothing hollered, "Come on, you heard what he said! We have to go back to the other side of town!"

"Prob'bly her writer making her say that!" one of the women scowled but turned around. One by one the others followed. Quickly, Ben ran back inside the lawman's office, "Go get your horses boys, you too Mr. Canaday!" then he looked at Roy, "If you think you can afford to step away from your desk for a few days you are welcome to join us!" Ben grabbed his hat and ran out the door. His sons, Candy and the sheriff were not far behind.

Once outside town Roy asked Ben, "Boy, was that ever a close call. How long do you reckon I will have to stay at your place?"

Ben shook his head, "Just a few days, Roy, whoever those women's "writers" are? I bet you they put those women back to work in a matter of days-if not, we will just send for the U.S. Marshall!"

"If you do not mind, Mr. Cartwright," Candy spoke up, "I would just as soon head back to California for the time being. I do have a funny feeling I will be meetin' up again with you someday."

"Have a safe trip. See you when you come this way again!" Ben shouted as the man put his horse to a dead run.

"Come on boys, somethin' tells me the Ponderosa is the only safe place to be right now!" Ben rode as fast as he could to get home; the others were not far behind!


End file.
